No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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