i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Randomize
