it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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