you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
