My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
