I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
