You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
