So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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