Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
