a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
