I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
