His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
