when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Dicks are not precious.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
