Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I got inside last night via doggy door
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
