piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
