hotel room ftw
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
