omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
