pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
