i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
