i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
