i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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