end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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