I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
