i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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