In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
