Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I forget how to act sober
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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