i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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