its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
