he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
