this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I need to align my fucking chakras
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
