Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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