she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
