possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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