It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
