I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
