Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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