do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
