Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I believe in your delicious
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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