don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
