She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
be right there i have to get my cape
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Randomize
