I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
