I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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