just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
