I need help removing her.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
so let's talk penis.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
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