Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
