My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
