Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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