I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He better not be in your backpack
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
