I swear she didn't look like that last week.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
