youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
my sisters under your porch take her home
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
